18 Apr 2015

who will pick my body up as i fall

we've been to demo's, in the past four years, we grew.
we saw people fall around us, people we knew. people who we know people who knew them.
People who didn't fall in combat, but in the after shocks (depression, suicide, chronic health issues, psychiatric traumas etc.) one by one you and i see them, lost, drugged, in prison or just hanging there trying to stay strong.

I came to realize that death sometimes is a privilege, you die, and that's it!
Yes, you leave people grieving and stuff, but they will have each other, they'll recover, or they won't but that's life.

But this post is mainly about what i think in an almost losing my life moment...
For me, I think my only problem is that I don't want to die in interrogation... i.e in torture.
I don't want to be killed by some bastard who'll be sending his hounds to rape me, then enjoy the torturing session after, and I can tell you that by now I have developed a very fertile, stinky, sickening subconscious of torturing techniques, weather on me, or me trying to get out of it, or -wierdly- me Doing it! (Which it the part i'm waiting and not waiting to try... the part that suits my vision of human beings as a subject of study)
I want to die standing, a shot in the head or chest, or a heart attack at work, boom, done.
but i wonder only then...who will catch me as i fall?
i know i'm loved as a daughter, as a friend, as a sister may be... but am i loved as me? or as who i show i am?
am i loved as a lover? no, not really.

Just as I write those words nw, i just knew that a friend was arrested yesterday over a "Protesting" case of which happened over a year ago, he was convicted for "breaking the protest law" and sent along with so many others, most notably "Alaa Abdel-Fattah" to a 15 years of prison... that friend is younger than me, much younger. they just raided his house and got him.

This is almost every week, and certainly no Month would pass without this happening.

The thing is that all this made me appreciate every loving moment i cross by, at first I used to be scared to tell someone I loved them, but now I don't, because when they pass away I want them to know they were, and because when I fall, i want them to know they we loved, and because before I go, I want to feel and know that I have said that to someone..
I wanted them to know they were loved as brothers and sisters,
they had someone right here, they looked nice in that dress on the other day
they were funny when they were lost in words,
they were loved even though our love would never be possible
I became more cherishing to the moments I get to tell people THEY MATTER when we are Both still Breathing.

But still, who will it be who catch me as I fall?
will it be some soldier dragging me off to the morgue
will it be some anonymous guy who doesn't know who i am, or where i live
or will it be this one person who might be the representation of "perfect" and "ah!"
or will it be a friend who might have and might have not known about me for a long time.

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